Certainty

I crave certainty and I worry whenever I am uncertain. It's not so much that the "worst case scenario" is always really that bad. At the end of the day, though it would be horribly irritating, I don't really mind if I have to repeat that hour's worth of work because I forgot to save it before I left the house. It's just that I hate the uncertainty. Maybe I'm in the clear, maybe I'm not. I try to resign myself to the worst but I can't because there is the flickering of hope. And when it comes to the big things, I know deep down that none of the "worst case scenarios" would be impossible to bear with the Lord. It's just that I'm not sure that I will have to bear them. I'd rather live with an unpleasant certainty than an uncertainty.

But if I'm just willing to block out the noise and rest, there are certainties that I can cling to:

If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. ~ Romans 6:5

Goodbye haikus; hello definitions

dead·line (děd'līn') n.

1. A compound word containing the word dead; a word of which to be highly cautious.
2. A future time at which one will be dead from exhaustion, wish that one were dead from exhaustion or be so dead to the natural pleasures of life that one can face existence's cold demands without flinching; a time at which those in the latter class will make it their duty to be patronisingly sympathetic while smugly muttering about ants and grasshoppers under their breath.
3. A date on the calendar that goes from being reassuring to mildly discomforting to down-right panic-inducing.

Fighting forgiveness

4.00 p.m. "Lord, I should like to die now and go and be with you today. That way, I won't have to apologise to Olivia when I see her tomorrow."

4.01 p.m. Not, of course, that there is any question that I will apologise to Olivia tomorrow if the Lord chooses to sustain my misery on this planet another day.

4.03 p.m. Then again...

4.03.30 p.m. If my problem was primarily that of arrogance and being neurotically self-obsessed, wouldn't my apologising for something that was primarily an internal attitude problem be just another way of being arrogant and neurotically self-obsessed?

4.04 p.m. Then again, there was actual damage done to Olivia due to my arrogance....

4.04.02 p.m. If people were nicer to me, I wouldn't have this to deal with.

4.05 p.m. I wonder if Olivia will think me remarkably humble and of sensitive conscience for apologising over a trivial issue?

4.05.01 p.m. "OUCH."

4.05.20 p.m. It was my fault and it was sin and it did hurt. I need to apologise.

4.06.20 p.m. Aren't I humble? A humble person like me shouldn't have such a painful conscience like this. Nor the desire to sink into the floor and be nothing. A humble person deserves more understanding than this.

4.07 p.m. "Sorry, Lord. I love you Lord. I'll apologise tomorrow. And I'll go do my jobs for today and let you deal with tomorrow, even though I'd like to die before tomorrow, if possible..."

Repeat x 4 (or until you finally "get it" and get on with life, apologies and all, in the light of mercy)

Disaster

[If Anya believes that this post looks familiar, this is because it comes from some of the very helpful conversations which I recently had with her.]

After the fall, this world became a very depressing place.

Sin and its effects are everywhere. Most of the terrible ideologies have at their base a denial of this fact. Some are willing to say that governments are corrupt, while denying that people are evil. Some are even willing to say that people are generally corrupt, but not their intellect, or on the other hand willing to say that the intellect is corrupt but through any number of processes it is possible to free the pure emotions from its vice-like grip.

Closer to home, some are willing to say that there are problems in the "world", in the "culture" - but not inside our homes and churches. (Other Christian homes or churches, perhaps, but not mine.) Closer still, I am willing to say that other people do not have a comprehensive enough view of sin, but am often being pulled short at my own naivety and "innocence" in regards to my own practices that assume perfection in myself - where I can expect none. Contrary to popular belief, it is not innocent, naive and certainly not "kind of cute" to not be able to discern sin in one's own life. If I may take an example from "the culture" to illustrate a truth that hits close to home, I think that the lyrics to Mandy Moore's song So Real should give one pause to think about how often one particular form of "innocence" is used for immoral ends.

As Christians, we have been given a new heart, a new mind and a new life. We have the Holy Spirit, the Almighty God, dwelling within us. But this does not mean that we are God. And so we do not have any right to follow our heart. We were given a new heart, not in order that we might serve ourselves, but that we might serve God....and it is God who will give us the victory.

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8).

Is it July already? : Books read from April 09 - June 09

[April]

• The Princess and Curdie ~ George MacDonald
• Basic Teachings of the Great Philosophers ~ S.E. Frost
• The Day of the Barbarians ~ Alessandro Barbero
• Triumph of John and Betty Stam ~ Mrs. Howard Taylor
• Doubt in Perspective ~ Alister E. McGrath
• A Severe Mercy ~ Sheldon Vanauken
• The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul ~ Douglas Adams
• Life Together ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer
• The Mammoth Book of Arthurian Legends ~ Mike Ashley [ed.]
• Wyrd Sisters ~ Terry Pratchett
• Ring for Jeeves ~ P.G. Wodehouse

[May]

• The Code of the Woosters ~ P.G. Wodehouse
• Proverbes du monde entier ~ Axel Schleffer
• Les premiers temps de l'église ~ Manuel Goguel
• The Wolves of Willoughby Chase ~ Joan Aiken

[June]

• Passion and Purity ~ Elisabeth Elliot
• The Prophet ~ Kahlil Gibran
• Callings: Twenty Centuries of Christian Wisdom on Vocation ~ William C. Placher [ed.]
• Islam at the Crossroads: Understanding its Beliefs, History and Conflicts ~ Paul A. Marshall, Roberta Green and Lela Gilbert
• Hind's Feet on High Places ~ Hannah Hurnard